Just Like Old Times
by sissyHIYAH
Summary: So many things bothered me about FF8, so here is my fic to answer some of my questions. Why did Quistis get fired? Why did that alien want so many elixirs? Why did Zell dig the library girl? Zone's bellyaches? Answers await...Oh! And Rinoa bashing galore!
1. Chapter 1

"WOOOOOT!"

Quistis jumped. What the hell was that sound?

"QUISTEEEEE!!!!"

Fuck. It sounded like Selphie found the espresso. Coffee had the same effect on Selphie that pure Galbadian cocaine had on normal people. There was no way in hell that anybody alive could be that fucking energetic so early in the morning. It wasn't natural.

Quistis sighed, glad that Selphie at least decided to _drink _the coffee instead of snorting it up her nose. It had been several weeks after time compression since Quistis had visited the clinic, but lately, she had been forced to visit Dr. Kadowaki about the nightmares...

_It's the same dream every night, doctor. I'm in my classroom when I hear these horrified screams and then this explosion of gunfire. There are footsteps outside of the door and I see my students. They're...they're so frightened and so lost. I want to help them so much, but I can't seem to move quickly enough. They look to me for help. So, I glance out of my window and I see..._

_Yes, Miss Trepe? Please continue. You're in a safe zone here. Enter your healing space. Feel your white wind...feel it as it surrounds your body in a healing breeze...feel your white wind..._

_I can't...it's too..._

_Enter your zone, Quistis....enter your zone...white wind...say it with me...WOO...just like the white winged dove..._

_But I..._

_Sings a song, sounds like she's singing..._

_Umm...woo?_

_WOO, baby, WOO, say WOO..._

_Just like the...what?_

_Sings a song, sounds like she's singing....WOO, baby, WOO, say WOO..._

_Umm...doctor? I don't think that her songs really apply to my situation..._

_Oh, but they do, child...they do...say it._

_Umm, woo?_

_Good, child...good...be one with the white witch...now continue..._

_Doctor, I really think that..._

_Your zone, Quistis. Enter it and breathe. Relax..._

_Okay...t-there's Selphie on a water tower, rifle in hand, screaming that the Garden Festival is going to be a success, damn it! _

_Hmm...I see...is there anything else?_

_Well..._

_Yes?_

_Okay...she has a coffee bean lodged in her left nostril._

_I see. _

_What does it mean, doctor?_

_Are you aware that the left side is often referred to as the 'sinister' side? _

_Well, yes, I'm sure that I've heard that...wait...where are you going with this?_

_I'm a medical doctor, not a psychologist, so I can't say with any certainty..._

_Yes? Please doctor! I need to know!_

_It is my professional opinion that you need to lay off the caffeine. I'm concerned that you are becoming addicted, Miss Trepe. Remember the lessons of the white witch..._

_I hardly think that you should compare my coffee habit to the gold dust witch, doctor..._

Dr. Kadowaki prescribed a series of powerful mood stimulants and anti-depressants to Quistis after this session, firmly suggesting that she take a long vacation and increase her vitamin C intake.

"WE'RE ON A MISSION!!!!"

Selphie pounced on Quistis and wrapped her legs around the taller woman's waist, knocking her hairclip to the floor and sending her reports flying in a single-spaced and highlighted cloud.

"Selphie! Calm down! It's just a mission."

"I know, but..."

"You've been on dozens of them in the past and you've never been so excited before."

"Yeah, but it's gonna be _us _again! Just like old times!"

"Us?"

Selphie leapt off of Quistis' back and pranced about her classroom, kicking her rhinestone studded boots to the ceiling. "Yeah! You, me, Zell, everybody! It'll be like back in the day!"

"Back in _what _day?"

"Oh, you know! When we were all together and doing some _adventurin'!"_

Quistis ground her teeth together and counted to ten. Adventurin' was something she hoped to leave behind, like the first time she purchased tampons and the clerk had to do a price check, or the time that she found Zell and his girlfriend in a _very_ compromising situation in the non-fiction section of the library. She knew that Zell was flexible, but she hadn't realized that he could do anything like _that _until she saw his girlfriend licking his...and heard Zell preaching about the merits of _Goodbye Pupurun..._

_One, two, three..._

"Selphie, there is a difference between a mission and an adventure."

..._three, four, five..._

"They're sendin' us out to arrest Seifer! Boy, I can't wait! I'm gonna cram my foot so far up his ass that he'll have to take off my sock to brush his teeth."

Quistis closed her eyes and continued the count to thirty. Relaxation techniques required a hell of a lot more work when Selphie Tilmitt and her bloody bouncing exuberance were involved.

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"Everybody here? Good. Now, we've been briefed on the situation. Almasy is being held at a top secret facility in Deling City, so all we have to do is retrieve him and bring him back to Garden."

Zell's hand shot up. "Wait. I don't get it. Why do we have to bring him back here? He's a douchebag and a dick."

"Yeah! And he tried to feed me to a drag queen! What am I supposed to do? Just forgive him so that he can move back here and start a series of misadventures?"

Quistis rolled her eyes when Rinoa leapt out of her seat and ran to Squall. True, Adel wasn't the most attractive sorceress ever, but she didn't look like a man in drag. Her lipliner was crooked and she needed to pluck her eyebrows, but Quistis thought that the poor dear did the best with what she had. It wasn't her fault that she looked like...hmm. Well, okay...so she looked like a bad queen that didn't know the difference between summer and autumn tones.

"Now, everybody calm down. We're supposed to accept him because Cid and Edea have decided that he is still a part of us, even though he might have to go through a series of tests to prove that he is a changed man. I'm sure that I'll be hesitant at first and Rinoa will be the first to forgive him, then Zell, then Selphie..." Squall paused for a second, almost as if he was wondering what could possess him to say such things about a man that he despised. "...yeah, Selphie will discover that he was under mind control the whole time and forgive him because she's just _bubbly _that way, then Irvine will flirt a bit and say something deep and meaningful, then Quistis will..."

At this, Quistis raised her head and looked at Squall with bored eyes. It all seemed so familiar...

"Quistis will be the one that's forced to take him under her wing and realize the error of his ways..."

"WAIT!"

"Yeah! Ain't we got a say so in this?"

Squall acknowledged the contributions of Fujin and Raijin before resuming his oh-so-inspiring-leader speech. "What?"

"So, he's our boss and all, so don't we get to go with you guys and get him?"

"REASONABLE."

"I'm afraid not. You two have miraculously been forgiven for your crimes and now you are here at Garden."

"Really? Even though we..."

"DESTRUCTION."

"Yeah, we killed a lot of folks, ya know."

Squall rubbed his chin. "Yes, but that has been forgiven in order to move the plot."

"CONVENIENT."

Quistis allowed herself a small chuckle when Squall bit his lip in frustration. It would be interesting to see how the members of SeeD and the members of the Disciplinary Committee behaved once Seifer Almasy, chosen one and forgotten antagonist would be treated once he returned to Balamb Garden.

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Note: I'm going to use this fic as an outlet for every little thing that bothered me about FFVIII. OH! I've used lines from Stevie Nicks and _Edge of Seventeen. _Stevie Nicks is fucking great, but she was addicted to blow for years. So, you know...coffee=cocaine...addiction...get it? Plus, Stevie and Quistis are both blonde, so that was fun to type.

So, Squall is supposed to be bad-ass, huh? That pussy? Are you fucking kidding me?

Rinoa is the princess that everyone is supposed to love, huh? Funny...it didn't work that way for me.

Raijin borrowed _Goodbye Pupurun_ from the library and never returned it? Zell wanted that book and never got to read it? They never fought over it? What the fuck? Two dimwits battling over a children's book? Oh yeah...it's coming....

Quistis and Seifer and that DELIGHTFUL chemistry? Oh yeah...it's coming...

Irvine and Selphie? A hat and a camera? And they didn't end up naked? Oh yeah...it's coming...

Fuijin's eyepatch, Zone's porn, Nida's miraculous piloting skills, Triple Triad, Xu's thigh high boots, that fucking elixir-addled alien...

So many things that piqued my curiosity...

Oh yeah...it's coming...


	2. Chapter 2

_Stupid Squall. Why does he always get to be the leader? If it wasn't for that gunblade, I could totally kick his ass. Stupid Squall with his stupid gunblade. _

Zell looked across the train compartment at Squall, who was alternating between flicking his hair out of his eyes and polishing his gunblade. Again.

_Who the hell thought that would make a good weapon? It's almost like gluing a bottle rocket to an arrow. Sure, it looks good on paper, but when you actually try it, you've blown a hole in the kitchen wall and your mom is chasing you upstairs with a meat cleaver. _

His mom still laughed about that one.

_How the hell does he even lift that damned thing? He must be totally ripped from years of lifting hairspray and gel to do his hair. And come to think of it, how does he keep his hair so...fluffy? Float spell, maybe? _

"...and he killed all three of those meanies at once! He really is a hero!"

"What?"

Rinoa cupped her hands over her mouth and yelled, "I said, HE REALLY IS A HERO!"

"No, I wanted to know what he killed." Zell knew that Squall was a hero. He didn't need Rinoa to tell them all, _again_, that her boyfriend was the savior of the world.

"Oh. Well, I don't really remember. I just sat back and let Squall and my itty witty Angelo handle the whole fight. I was _much _too weak to actually pay attention, Zell. After all, Squall is my hero and he saved the world! You remember don't you? I mean, you were there during the whole..."

Rinoa prattled on, recounting _again _their adventures during the Sorceress War as she watched Squall polish his gunblade. Tch. It wasn't like Squall was the only one to do anything. And if it hadn't been for saving Rinoa's ass so much, they could have saved the world before lunch. Stupid Rinoa. Sure she was friendly and all, but he could only handle so much idiotic chirpinessbefore he wanted to punch her in the eye.

He agreed with Quistis. Somebody like Rinoa was better left in outer space. After all, the great vacuum of the cosmos couldn't hold a candle to the emptiness that existed in Rinoa's skull.

Glancing to his left, he noticed the instructor was chuckling as she pored over the mission notes. At least _somebody _remembered that they were on a mission and not some silly adventure. Why couldn't Quistis have been the leader? Sure she was fired because Garden thought she lacked leadership qualities, but at least she didn't become romantically involved with their clients, like _some _gunblade wielding pretty boys he knew. And he remembered _exactly _what happened during that field exam in Dollet. They might have died if it hadn't been for their lacking-in-leadership skills instructor and her big-ass machine gun. "Psst. Quistis...hey!"

"Hmm? What is it, Zell?"

"So where are we supposed to go once we get to Deling City?"

Quistis angrily tossed the assignment in the seat next to her. "I have no idea. It simply says to retrieve Almasy from a top secret location, take him to Garden and begin his rehabilitation." _Though I still don't understand why we have to fetch the bastard anyway. It just seems like a silly way to ensure that all of the players are onstage for another performance featuring the Centra Orphanage Revue. _

"Well, does our fearless leader know where we're going?"

"I doubt it."

"So, we have to..."

"Hey guys! What are you talking about?" Rinoa plopped down between Quistis and Zell and tried to regain her spot as the center of attention. "That was very rude, you know. I was trying to tell you a story and you started talking to Quistis."

"But I..." Zell looked to Quistis for help, but she just adjusted her glasses and prepared to listen to another Rinoa-centric ramble. There seemed to be a lot of those...

"But nothing! It's not like she can even tell you a good story like I can! I've done a lot more in my life than she's _ever_ done. I ran away from home..."

_I graduated from SeeD at fifteen..._

"I trained my dog how to fetch..."

_I was an instructor at seventeen..._

"I joined a resistance movement..."

_Because you have daddy issues and you wanted to piss off your father..._

"I dated Seifer..."

_Good on you..._

"I met Squall and fell in love..."

_While dating Seifer, I might add. Convenient that you dropped the poor lad after he introduced you to Cid and you were able to score the SeeD operatives you required for your inane assassination attempt. And wasn't it lovely that you started dating Squall only after he saved your ass the first dozen or so times? Ugh...bloody damned whore. _

"I was rescued from space..."

_Yes, we all know. I saved his fucking life and he still wouldn't give me the time of day, but he could climb on a fucking spaceship and rescue your sorry ass. Again. I'm glad I finally got over THAT little insane period in my life. I'd go mad if I had to rely on him to save me every time I needed a jar of mayonnaise opened. _

"I was turned into a sorceress..."

_Yes, but you still send your dog into battle for you. It's a good thing the animal rights activists haven't learned of your attack dog..._

_Yet..._

"And now I'm riding with my hero on the way to get Seifer and return him to Garden..."

Zell and Quistis were both an instant away from cramming Rinoa into a storage bin when Selphie and Irvine raced back into the SeeD compartment, sweaty and panting. Hands on her knees, Selphie glanced at Irvine and asked, "D-do you...do you think we lost him?"

"I-I don't know. He was _quick!"_

"T-totally!"

Squall looked up from his weapon and frowned. "What the _hell _are you two doing on this train? You're supposed to already be in Deling City, speaking to the contact and arranging transport to the secret location!"

Selphie giggled. "Yeah, we were...but I wanted to take another train ride, so Irvie-Kinnie-Poo bought tickets and we rode back to Balamb."

"Yep, but now I'm outta cash, so we had to sneak onto this train so we wouldn't miss the mission. Selphie would've tanned my hide for that!" Irvine closed the compartment doors and peeked through the window. He had ridden the train system for _years _and never met an employee actually _on _one of the trains. Truthfully, he thought they were unmanned, but after a short man in a red hat started chasing them, screaming about stowaways, Irvine learned that unmanned trains simply did not exist.

They were manned alright. Just manned by, umm, very short, very angry little men.

Squall groaned. "Great. Now we're screwed. I want to spend as little time as possible in Deling City, and now I have to waste time hunting down this contact person."

"No, silly! We've already talked to our contact and everything is ready to go! He was really eager to help, especially since Rinoa is with us!" She winked at Quistis. "And he was really, really, really eager to help once he learned that Blondie here was with us! Seems like he tried to impress her with some train tickets one time..."

Rinoa beamed. She loved knowing that the entire planet was in love with her, although it pissed her off to learn that Quistis had fans too. "Oh Selphie! That's great! Do we know him?"

"Yep! It's your horny buddy Zone!"

Rinoa squealed. "Eeeeeee!!! I've not seen him in months! Was Watts with him too?"

"Well, no, but that's because he was out gathering information. Zone gave me a map and directions and everything...where did I put it..." Patting her pockets, Selphie eventually found the map to the top secret location that imprisoned the most feared war criminal alive. "Ah ha! Here we go!" Raising her hand triumphantly above her head, she held the map for all to see.

Quistis raised an eyebrow. "Selphie. That's not a map. That's a book of matches from the inn with a room number written in lipstick."

"Well, yeah...that's where they have him locked up."

"In an inn?" Four voices asked the question at the same time.

Selphie and Irvine burst into laughter. "Hee hee! Did you hear yourselves just now? In an inn? N N N? Holy cow! That was great!"

Quistis buried her face in her hands. "Do you mean to tell me that they have him imprisoned in the finest hotel in Galbadia instead of a jail cell?"

Selphie took a moment to ponder this question. It did seem kind of odd that a man that slaughtered thousands of innocent souls would be so easy to retrieve. Hmm...oh well! Whatever made the story move along was perfectly fine with Selphie. "Well, Zone told me that they have him chained to a bed, so it's not like he's actually _enjoying _it, Quisty."

Rinoa cleared her throat and quickly interrupted Selphie before she could imagine Seifer Almasy tied to a bedpost. She was _so _over him, thank you very much, but Squall wasn't exactly creative in the bedroom department. It was just kind of boring sometimes, since he treated romantic evenings like any other military exercise. _Hup, two, three, four. In, out, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. In, out, threeeeee-hee-hee, four. Objective obtained. Good night, Rin. _

Sigh. Oh well. She had her lion, her protector, her dearest Squallie-poo...why did she even care what happened to her ex-boyfriend? Sigh. She _was _curious, though...

Sigh.

Quistis picked up the mission notes and tried to hide her smile when Rinoa punched Squall in the leg.

"Ow! What the hell did I do, Rin?"

"Oh _nothing, _Squall!Nothing at all."

--------------------------------------------

"So, _all _of them are coming to get me?"

"Well, I think so...I could go out and get some more information..."

Seifer rolled his eyes. "Watts, is that all that you know how to do? Get more information?"

"Hey, I'm good at what I do. If you want information, you send me! You want somebody to stare at chicks, you send Zone. But yeah, that's what he told me."

Seifer laughed. It had taken all six of them, plus their precious Guardian Forces to defeat him the first time, so he wasn't surprised to hear that Garden was sending their best, _once again, _to fetch him. He just hoped that they wouldn't resort to that insufferable combat method in order to subjugate him. There was just something about taking timed turns in battle that drove him fucking crazy. "Yeah, where is that little pervert anyway?"

Watts grimaced. "He's been in the bathroom since breakfast..."

"Hmm...is his stomach bothering him again?"

"Uh...I don't think it's his stomach this time. He told me that the blonde chick was coming too, so..."

"My old instructor?"

"I think so."

"Hmm..did he take a magazine with him?"

"Yep."

"Horny little fucker, isn't he?" Seifer tugged at his restraints. It would have been so easy to break them and escape, but he felt compelled to let his former friends/former enemies/former whatever-the-hell-they-were take him back to Garden.

Closure. That's what he needed. The past couple years had been a complete blur to him. Things were so clear in the beginning...so clear...

_I was the antagonist. I was skilled and deadly and none but my adversary could match me on the battlefield. It was a beautiful rivalry. Intense, brutal, bloody, yet it somehow lost itself about the time that Puberty Boy and Pussy Company made it to Timber. For some strange reason, I appeared long enough to tease them a bit, then I disappeared while they tried to piece together some bullshit Sorceress theory. Then I played knight for a while, got the hell beaten out of me two or three times, then I completely fucking vanished while Squall gets to chase around ANOTHER fucking sorceress. I show up again and try to feed Rinoa to Adel, then POOF! Gone again! _

_I was supposed to be this huge fucking deal! Squall and I were supposed to be mirror images of each other! Down to the motherfucking scars and cards! I was supposed to be the source of conflict to keep things interesting, damn it! Who the hell decided to add another sorceress? How many do you need?_

"Well, before you drag Zone out of the bathroom, I guess you need to tell the guard to lower his defenses so that he can be easily overpowered. I don't suppose the powers-that-be will want any sort of drama until I make it to Balamb."

"Sure thing, Seifer." Watts smiled at his old buddy, wondering why on earth a man that tried to help liberate Timber ended up with such a raw deal in the grand scheme of things. Come to think of it, what happened to Seifer after that broadcast anyway? And what happened to Timber? And what the fuck happened with the Forest Owls? Once Rinoa took off with that guy that liked leather so much, the liberation of Watts' beloved homeland became a non-issue. Even though the evil president had been killed by the slightly-more-evil sorceress, Watts and Zone were still fighting the good fight, but it seemed that people just didn't care the same way they used to. "I'm sure that they won't put up too much of a fight anyway, since it seems to be destiny that you make it back to your old home and face your old friends."

"Yeah. That sounds..." _Huh. Doesn't make sense, since any sane judge should have laughed in my face and then ordered a nice bloody execution when I told him I was under mind control, but hey! Who am I to question the way life works? _"...about right. It is destiny, I suppose."

Watts gave him a friendly wave and left Seifer alone in his umm, prison to find Zone (after knocking, of course. There was simply no telling what that fellow did with those magazines. Ugh...)

_I was in the opening cinematics, for crying out loud! And I ended up fishing? Are you kidding me? What the fuck, man?!?!!_

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"WOOOOOTTT!!! Watch out Deling City! Selphie Tilmitt is here to raise some hell! Hoo hoo!!!" Stomping her boots on the pavement, Selphie kicked and scraped until the concrete was scarred and blackened. "Take that! And that! And...one of these!"

"Hey darlin'? I don't think the city itself actually did anything to you."

Selphie tossed her bag into Irvine's chest and descended from the platform. "That's what you think, buster! The last time I was here, I lost six gil in a storm grate and this city still owes me!"

"Well, kickin' at the ground ain't gonna bring your money back." Bending down, Irvine lifted a shining ruby rhinestone to Selphie's outraged eyes. "See? If anything, it's just gonna make things worse."

"This damn son-of-a-bitch city! Now it's gone and hurt my new boots! I'll kick its ass!"

Quistis shook her head and placed a restraining hand on Selphie's arm before she tore her boot off and began hammering at a ticket window. "Selphie. Remember that we are acting as representatives of Balamb Garden and we need to behave so that..."

Selphie's flipped hairdo seemed to droop at Quistis' sensible words. Yes, they were SeeD and that meant that they were to complete their mission in a timely manner. It sucked though, because Selphie was really looking forward to some good old fashioned vengeful arson. "Yeah, yeah...I know. I guess we need to find Zone and Watts, don't we?"

Rinoa slid behind Quistis and wrapped one arm around the taller woman's waist, the other around Selphie's shoulders. "Yes, that sounds like a great idea. We'll find my old friends, grab some lunch, toss some clothes on Seifer, and be back at Garden before sundown!"

Quistis glanced at Selphie, who was blinking rapidly at Rinoa's statement. "Umm, Selphie? Did Zone mention at any point that Seifer would be without clothes?"

"Noooo..."

Rinoa bit her lip. It wouldn't do at all for anyone else to know the dark, very non-Squall-involved thoughts that had been floating through her mind ever since Selphie mentioned that Seifer was locked in a hotel room.

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"Zone! There you are! I've missed you SO much!" Zone felt his stomach turn into knots when he saw Rinoa running in his direction. He would have been overjoyed to see his old friend and fellow revolutionary, but her sullen twat of a boyfriend wouldn't quit staring at him.

"Hi Rin! I've missed you too!"

"And Watts! Oh, my dear, darling Watts!"

"Hey Rinoa! How's life as a mercenary?"

Rinoa tilted her head in confusion. "I'm not a mercenary, Watts."

"Oh, that's right. You're just dating one. aren't you?"

"Hey! He's not a mercenary anymore! Squall is a hero!"

Watts didn't seem as if he really believed this statement, but he nodded all the same. To him, Squall killed for money, so that meant that he was a mercenary. Who cared if he happened to destroy a sorceress along the way? The emo bastard still got a paycheck, didn't he? "So, are you guys ready to grab Seifer or do you want to try a...umm, Zone? Zone?"

Rinoa turned around and saw Zone waving shyly at Quistis-and Selphie whispering in her ear.

_Psst!_

"Quit it Selphie! You're already in my ear! There is no need to 'psst' anything!"

_Oh fine! But still, he's checking you out! _

"Selphie. Please be sensible."

_Sensible isn't getting you laid, Quisty! It's not like you're dating anyone right now, so why not tell sensibility to hit the road? _

"True, but sensibility is also keeping perverts like him out of my underwear drawer."

_Go on, Quisty! Go talk to him! He likes you! _

"That's hardly fair. That man likes anything female with a pulse."

_Oh, he's just shy._

"No, he's..." Rinoa grinned and pushed Zone into Quistis, laughing at her discomfort. Sneering at Rinoa, Quistis tried to make the best of a very, very, very awkward situation. "...umm...Hi Zone. Lovely weather, we're having, eh?"

Zone swallowed hard when he realized that his hands had landed on two very squishy bits of Quistis' anatomy. "Umm...hi-gotta-go-my-stomach-really-hurts-so-I-really-need-to-get-to-a-bathroom-like-right-now!"

The assembled group watched Zone knock people out of his way in his hurry to get to a bathroom, moaning the entire way. Giggling, Rinoa looked at Quistis, then at Watts. "Hey Watts? Was that a real bellyache or..." Motioning with her hand, Rinoa managed to make everyone except Irvine blush. "...was that one of his 'bellyaches'?"

A part of Watts remembered exactly why he didn't care to seek Rinoa out after she left the Forest Owls. The skinny bitch was too nosy for her own good. "You know, he _has _been feeling kind of sick since breakfast, so yeah, I'd say it was a real bellyache. He does have _some _restraint."

Quistis covered her face and started marching toward the Deling Hotel. The faster this mission was over, the better.

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Note: Mwahahahaaa!!! Rinoa bashing! My favorite sport! And silly plot holes that were never filled! Oh, those silly game designers...why did they leave so much open for sarcastic bitches like me to fill the empty spaces? This actually felt kind of weird to write, since I tried so very hard to make Zone into a nice guy for Quistis in another fic, but hey, what're ya gonna do? Up next, the group meets Seifer, an episode in a tent, and Squall's clothing choices are dissected and examined.


	3. Chapter 3

Lounging in the lobby of the luxurious Deling Hotel, the members of SeeD and their companions waited for their leader to assign the group that would enter the suite and retrieve former-cadet Almasy. The scarlet curtains and gold filigree twisted amongst the mahogany columns, the expensive furnishings and rare paintings on the walls; all these fine details were ignored by the impatient mercenaries (and one hero!) as they cooled their heels in air-conditioned comfort.

An elderly lady at the desk clutched her purse to her chest as she witnessed an overly hyper young man aiming punches in the air. That in itself didn't bother her, but hearing his muttered curses made her wonder what they were teaching in those schools these days. He sounded like one of _those_ troubled children.

"Stupid Squall, taking so damn long to make a fucking decision. If it was me, we'd all go up there and tie Seifer to a wheelbarrow and roll his ass downstairs, but NOOOO, big leader Leonhart always insists on dividing us into groups of three. Why not four? Why not five? And why the hell not six? And why is it that he _always _has to be in the group? Frickin' glory-hound asshole." Zell was in the middle of aiming another punch at the head of imaginary Squall when a little old woman that smelled suspiciously of cats shoved an ancient piece of lint-covered butterscotch candy into his pocket. "What the hell...?"

The old lady gave him a gummy grin. "You just take that and have a _very nice day_, young man. I hope you'll remember this before you try to buy one of those heathen rock and roll records or sell your soul to the dark lords." Wrinkled hands patted Zell on the shoulder, then the crazy old cat lady shuffled to the exit, leaving behind one very confused martial artist.

Irvine watched the exchange with a bit of jealousy. He had spent the past ten minutes trying to think of a good line to use on the old woman, but his golden tongue failed him. It wasn't that she was really attractive, but damn it, she was female and he had to hit on her. If it breathed and it had jugs, then the situation called for some smooth talkin'. True, he had been punched in the eye more than once because he propositioned a few men with rather large and droopy, umm, pecs, but still...

Selphie had once tried to make him enroll in a program for sex addiction, but he had been thrown out after only the first session. Something about that pinch on the ass didn't impress the counselor. Oh well. "Hey Zell! What'd you do to make that lady notice you? I've been sittin' here trying to work up the nerve to corral that lil' filly and you done gone and stole her from me!"

"What?!?! That nutcase just crammed a piece of candy in my pocket and told me to have a nice day! I didn't do anything that would..."

Their argument was interrupted by a peculiar sort of silence. A silence that could only be described as "............"

Irvine raised an eyebrow and looked at Squall, who was staring at them with one eyelid ticking as he sent out his most powerful silent ellipsis. It was an angry, impatient sort of ellipsis, the sort that could only come from a socially maladjusted twat that thought being dramatic and moody would make him seem really mysterious.

"...................."

"Psst, hey Zell?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that he counts the dots when he does that?"

"I don't know man. It freaks me out though."

Both looked across the lobby to see if anyone else was bothered by their leader's strange behavior. Selphie was trying to engage Watts in a conversation about the finer points of train travel, Rinoa was busily applying another coat of lipstick, Zone was moaning about his bellyaches, and a tipsy Quistis was just returning from the downstairs bar.

"So, uh, Squall..."

"Yes, SeeD Kinneas?"

"Do you..." Irvine wanted to ask if thinking in dots hurt his brain, but he decided that Squall would eviscerate him before he received an answer, so he kept his real question to himself. Instead, he asked, "...umm, did you decide on the group that will retrieve the target?"

"Yes, the party will be..."

A flash of blinding gray light filled the lobby and all of the gathered members shook their heads. Damn it all, why the hell did the world fucking _do that _every time that Squall decided on a party? It was almost as if the world paused for an instant ...

"Quistis, Rinoa, and..."

_Wait for it, wait for it... _Zell must have fidgeted as he thought this, because Squall narrowed his eyes and angrily huffed before naming the last party member.

"...myself."

_And there it is! Ego maniac has struck again! He takes the hot chicks and I'm stuck with two perverts, a guy that has a name off of a box of light bulbs, and Selphie. _

Squall tugged at the heavy collar on his new coat and looked to the stairs where his rival and arch-nemesis was waiting. "Those of you left behind, we'll meet outside of town so that we can regroup before we attempt the journey back to Balamb."

Irvine raised his hand. "Wait. Why don't we just get back on the train and ride back to Balamb? It would be much faster and we wouldn't have to worry about running into any enemies if we did it that way, so..."

Squall tilted his head and put one gloved hand on his hip. "You'll do as I say. I'm the leader of this operation and I say we're going the long way." And with that, Squall quickly crossed the lobby to retrieve his lovely female companions. A few short words and they ascended the stairs, leaving the rest to do whatever is was that they did when they weren't directly involved in the main offensive.

Selphie, slightly offended that she wasn't included in the main party stalked to her boyfriend and crossed her arms. "Who the hell decided to make Laughing Boy the leader of this mission anyway? And come to think of it...I noticed that Rinoa didn't have Angelo with her. Has anybody seen her?"

"Who? Rinoa?" Zell pointed to the stairs. "She just went with Squall to get..."

"No, not her. Angelo."

Zell shrugged. He had completely forgotten that Angelo was a bitch. _And she isn't too friendly either! Ha! I need to retire from mercenary work and try stand-up comedy...I kill me..._

Irvine remembered the way that Squall tugged on his new coat. His new coat with the incredibly thick and lustrous collar that resembled... "Hey darlin'?"

"Yes, Irvy-Kinny Poo?"

"Did you happen to notice that Squall seems awfully pleased with that new jacket of his?"

Deep in thought, Selphie pouted her lips. "Hmm...you know, I did think it was kind of funny that he kept scratching his neck...almost like he had fleas..." Her bright green eyes widened in shock. "Irvy, you don't think that he would..."

The tall cowboy clicked his tongue in sympathy for the poor beast. "I reckon we shoulda listened when he said that he was gittin' purty damn tired of hearin' that dog sniffin' at the door when he wanted to be alone with Rinoa..."

Zell's eyes bounced from Irvine to Selphie as they discussed the late gender-confused canine. Surely they didn't think that Squall would... He would never...

Would he?

Oh, poor Angelo...

----------------------------------------------------

Far from the splendor of Deling City, a large ship changed its course for the seventh time that day. The crew had yet to be told that the Sorceress War was over, so they continued their maritime duties as if the foul golden eyed witch was still stalking their precious cargo.

A slight dark-haired woman held her scarf to her shoulders so the powerful ocean breeze wouldn't tear it from her body as she gazed at the wide seas. Sure, Ellone could have told the crew that there was really no need to take her all over the planet, but she knew that this was the only way that she would be free of her younger brother and his damned obsessive behavior. If she had to hear, 'Sis! Sis! Where are you?' one more time, she just knew that she'd snap.

Her life had been a regular lark; sailing from port to port, sharing wild tales with sailors and adventurers, joking that she spent all day and night with a group of men that called themselves 'White SeeD', which made her laugh every fucking time she thought about it. Oh, the jokes she would crack about seamen and White SeeD...

Yes, life was wonderful until she discovered that the only way to save the world was to contact the little depressed freak so he could regain his memories in time to defeat the sorceress. Why the hell did his repressed childhood have any bearing on his ability to kick some sorceress ass? And why everyone felt the need to chase her all over the globe...well, she never really understood that, either.

A part of Ellone wanted to tell the people that spent so much time searching for her that they didn't need her at all if they wanted to bend time. A few bites from a certain hallucinogenic species of Funguar had much the same effect, though they would spend most of that bent time period throwing up and praying for mercy. Still, better for them to have a bad trip than to chase her all the time so that she could get no rest.

Ah well. The war was over and the sorceress was defeated, so that meant the only person still searching for her was that damned obnoxious brother of hers. And now, far from shore and relaxing in the sunlight, Ellone felt peace for the first time since she escaped the orphanage.

"Good day, ma'am." The captain of the vessel walked behind Ellone and quietly waited for her to acknowledge him.

"Good day, captain. I trust that we've shaken our pursuers and we now have clear seas ahead."

"Yes, well, about that..."

"Yes sir?"

"Well ma'am, with fuel prices being what they are, I'm afraid that we aren't going to be able to carry you much farther. Once we reach Balamb harbor to refuel, we're going to leave you..."

A strange electric current coursed through Ellone's veins, something pulsating between white-hot fury and cold, numb terror. Balamb? Where _Squall _lived? Fucking hell. "Captain, you mustn't do this. I'm not safe in Balamb, nor will I find any peace if you abandon me with..."

The captain beamed. He was very proud of himself for considering the safety of his passenger. "No ma'am. You'll be very safe indeed. I've contacted the headmaster of Balamb Garden and he is ready to defend you against any foes. He told me that he would assign Commander Leonhart _himself _to the team organized for your defense and he also...ma'am? MA'AM! WHAT THE BLEEDIN' HELL ARE YOU DOIN"?"

Ellone was pulled from the railing just before she plummeted to a watery death in the briny deep. Slapping at his arms with her tiny hands, she screamed, "Let go of me, you bastard! I am not going to go to Balamb! My uncle is the president of Esthar, damn it! You can't make me! If you do, so help me I'll..."

A quick swipe from his blackjack and the captain felt Ellone slump in his arms. The poor dear. She was so afraid of the sorceress that she didn't even want to reach land.

Carefully lifting her from the deck, the captain carried her to her quarters and gently placed her on the narrow cot. Locking the door behind him, he returned to his crew to give them yet another change in coordinates.

Balamb bound and still unconscious, Ellone slept through the journey, dreaming of fizzy drinks in coconuts, oiled-down half-naked waiters, and pubs and bars in tropical locales, far from the whining of a clingy snot-nosed twerp.

The poor, poor dear...

-------------------------------------------------------

Rinoa stood at the door of Seifer's hotel room/prison and nervously patted her hair. Digging through her pockets, she found her compact and checked her make-up, satisfied when she saw that she looked as beautiful as ever.

Quistis watched her in semi-drunken amusement. Rinoa seemed awfully excited to see her ex-boyfriend. Whatever would Squall think if he knew that his girlfriend was lusting after her old love?

A bit emboldened by the six pina-coladas and three whiskey sours she drank while waiting for Squall to assign the party members, Quistis sauntered a bit closer and whispered, "Say, Rinoa, I know that you used to date Seifer and I have a question for you."

Rinoa blushed. "Well, you know Quisty, that was such a long time ago..."

Glancing at Squall, Quistis felt a strange sort of malicious, vengeful excitement creeping along her spine. Raising her voice _just enough _so that Squall could hear her, but keeping it low enough so that Rinoa still thought that they were speaking in complete confidence, she asked, "So tell me, who's better in bed?"

Squall tilted his head and paused just as he was getting ready to open the door to Seifer's room. There shouldn't be any question at all! He was the Lion, the Knight! His gunblade was bigger, damn it!

"Quisty! I can't talk to you about that!"

Quistis licked her lips and leaned even closer. "It's okay, I won't tell _anyone_."

Rinoa giggled. "Well, I love my Squall and he's a big hero and all, but..."

Squall looked over and Quistis squarely met his gaze. Winking, she wrapped her arm around Rinoa and smiled that mysterious smile that only wronged women seem to possess. "But what, Rin? I have to admit that I'm very..." Squall was getting angrier and angrier and Quistis' smile was getting wider and wider. "..._very _curious about Seifer's carnal prowess. I just wondered, since you have experience with _both _of them and we're getting ready to meet your ex for the first time in months."

Blushing even more at Quistis' sudden interest, Rinoa plainly stated, "Seifer is much, _much_ better, but that doesn't matter, 'cause he's no hero. Even though he had me screaming so loud one night that my dad broke into my bedroom and caught us, he still isn't my..."

"That's quite enough, Rinoa. Thank you. That was just what I needed to hear."

Quistis moved from Rinoa's side and slid a bit closer to Squall. She gently patted his arm when she saw that he was twitching in silent anger. "I understand that you may be a bit hurt after hearing such a confession from your one true love, but..." Slapping his hand off the doorknob and roughly pushing him backwards, Quistis stepped into the room and waited for the rest of her team to follow.

Grinning when she heard Squall's muttered curse, she stuck her head into the hallway and pointed to the wall behind him. "...always remember that there is a friendly wall waiting to hear from you, dear. Make certain that you tell it _every little thing _that bothers you, else you might turn into an anti-social loser with bad taste in women."

Rinoa said something to him, but Squall was deep into another of his sullen, silent periods and nothing she did seemed to help.

Quistis smiled. If the little princess couldn't think of something to soothe her knight's troubled mind, it was no concern of hers. She had a mission to complete and the happiness of her companions mattered little to her.

Spinning on her heel and quite full of herself, Quistis fully entered the room and came face-to-face with her old student. Well, as close to face-to-face as they could be, considering that Seifer was stretched on his back and he had to lean on his elbows to see who had the balls to enter his room.

A bit amused by the conversation he just heard, Seifer nodded to his former instructor. "Well, well, well...sounds like my dear instructor has grown a backbone. I must say, I kind of like it. Now you've got the personality to match that whip of yours..."

Quistis rolled her eyes. "You've not changed a bit, have you?"

"Oh, you know me. I hate to be bored." Grinning, he tugged his restraints and winked. "But I don't mind being tied down and spanked, so if you wanted, you could just shut the door before the perfect pair interrupts us and we could..."

Perhaps it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the fact that she had just pissed off Squall, but Quistis was having fun. Seifer was a grade-A dickhead, but at least he wasn't an emotional shut-in with a penchant for black clothing and too many belts. "Yes, well, it's a shame that I can't take you up on that offer, but I've been assigned to bring you to Balamb Garden so that..."

Seifer arched an inquisitive eyebrow. "Did they tell _you _why they want me back at Garden?"

"Well, no, but I have to follow orders, so..."

"They didn't tell you anything?"

Quistis opened her mouth to reply, but Squall and Rinoa finally charged into the room, weapons drawn and ready to fight. When they saw that Quistis was simply standing at the foot of Seifer's bed, engaged in light conversation with the bound figure tangled in his sheets, they looked at each other in confusion. Well, first Rinoa took a very long, lustful look at Seifer, _then _she looked at Squall in confusion.

Seifer chuckled. "Boy, they really pulled out the stops for this mission, didn't they? Not only do I get my sexy little instructor, but I get Puberty Boy and Princess too! Gee, they must really love me to send you guys all the way out here to fetch me."

Squall wanted to take advantage of the fact that Seifer was tied to a bed and unable to defend himself, but he saw that Rinoa was having eerily similar thoughts, so he quickly moved to Seifer's wrists and undid the restraints. Nodding to Quistis, Squall ordered her to cuff the captive and move him into the hallway.

Seifer, surprisingly docile, held his hands behind his back so that Quistis could apply the steel cuffs. "Now _this_ is fun. If I had known that my dear instructor would be sent to get me with handcuffs and a whip, I would have surrendered a _long _time ago. Just be gentle with me. I'm not accustomed to this kinky shit, though I'm _more _than willing to learn."

Quistis laughed when she saw Rinoa's pretty face darken in anger. "Oh really? You mean that you'd actually let me _teach _you?"

Squall and Rinoa looked at each other again, a bit perplexed by this odd behavior. Clearing his throat, Squall moved behind them so that he had a clear view of every movement made by their captive. "Alright, move along. We're to meet the rest of the group outside of the city limits, then we're taking the circuitous route back to Balamb."

"Aw, did ya hear that, instructor? Leonhart missed me so much that he wants to spend a little extra time with his favorite lapdog. Cute, ain't it?"

Quistis rolled her eyes again, though she was oddly charmed by the tall man walking beside her. Or maybe it was the fact that he was handcuffed and at her mercy. Either way, she was digging it.

Rinoa, not one to be out of the spotlight for long, quickly moved to Seifer's opposite side so that she could take his other arm. "Move along, prisoner. No talking. Especially not to _her_." She squeezed his arm and moved a bit closer. "If you have any questions, you can address them to _me, _of course. I'll be happy to answer them for you."

As they walked out of the hotel and into the streets beyond, Quistis and Seifer continued to trade barbs, Rinoa primped and simpered, and Squall followed, grumbling to himself about stupid missions and assholes with ugly gray trenchcoats.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Yes, I think that Rinoa and Quistis would have fucking _hated _each other, but they were so damned lovey dovey in the game that it drove me crazy. After Quistis started screaming at Rinoa in the general's mansion, I remember thinking, 'Oh hell yes! Here it comes!'

Alas, I was disappointed. The frickin' story even had Quistis go back and _apologize _to the bitch! Honestly! What the hell?

And through the whole game, whenever Seifer and Quistis had a conversation I wondered why the hell they didn't just admit that they were head over heels for each other? I loved the fighting and the tension between the two. Once again, I was disappointed by game designers that were only interested in Rinoa and Squall. Boring!

So, I forgot that I was working on this fic b/c I was busy with a couple of others. Sorry! Coming soon, more Seifer and Quistis (because I'm such a silly fangirl), some Laguna daydreams, that tent scene I meant to add here (oops) and more mischief.


End file.
